Thursday, March 09, 2006

Everything, Everything

Summer is coming fast on a dying Gulf Stream
And I need limes for Mojitos; sugar cane goodness and dark rum madness
This tropical delight eases the pain, brings smiles and warmth

I heard on the news today, men were talking
Nuclear decisions and different religions
The Cross and the Crescent
The beating of the drum stops for no one,

I ride with Lord Ghanesh,
Ride the mouse South and then West.
Travelling seven and seventy leagues
Across deserts with the blood oasis,
Where in the shade the Scorpion raises his tail.
In the wilderness where love hides behind the buzzing of bees
Hear the bubbling of gentle waters and taste the honey
And the sand whispers "Selah."

So far from the burrough of my birth
In concrete jungles I hear the spatter of distant gun fire
Tracers look like lasers late at night.
Look hard and see yourself in the reflection from a puddle of blood
Your wasted, spilled life mixed with dirt makes red mud
The fire burns out in a blown out car.

The beasts are moving in quiet
And all I have left is love for those that spurned it
Took it in and changed it.
Abra Cadaver - Now it has teeth!
Like some monster in the night
Their merciless tongues lick flesh from bone
But they wanted this all along, didn't they? Didn't they?

And still I need limes and dark rum for sweet sugar cane dreams
Here in the heat where the sun gives reason
For the abandonment of reason
Where I shed clothes for want of cool air,

We kiss.

Your neck tastes of pina coladas, sugar, and rock salt.
All sweetness and dark devil liquor on my tongue
The perfect drug high infecting my mind

I want to sweat with you on hotel linen.
Let's wash the world away in our dirty, filthy love
Until I have to watch it fall from me under hot waters
And out throught the drain, the river, to the sea
Let the world have our disregarded secrets, and the fish too

We will all only sleep in what we share
But I'm the only one who will awake to the new world with you

Everything new, everything true,
Selah.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

In weiter Ferne, so nah!

There are parallel universes all around us. I'm married to one.

Two people can be in the same life together, sharing the same food, the same bed, and still not be in complete sync. Yes, we mostly end up dressing close to each other in shade and color usually resulting in one of us changing before we leave the house, and sometimes there are the same thoughts, the shared glances of knowing, little smirks of being in on the joke, but...Sometimes I can have no idea what she is thinking, and I guess this keeps it interesting.

In my parallel universe I let her down, I should make more money, I should be something more to everyone around me, including myself. I question god and his existence, the universe, politics, war and retribution, the actions of my bosses, the insensitivity of my co-workers, the message behind the message, what tears us apart, what could bring us together, my health, the space between atoms, the spaces between everything else and me.

I am a universe of unanswered questions. You could call it confusion on a massive scale. Macro confusion.

When I was a little boy, my mother and father taught me to say prayers everynight before I went to bed: The Lord, my soul to take...This always creeped me out, the thoughts of death and dying and rotting, food for worms and bugs. Dust to dust...

Should I have been a two year old obsessing on the taking of my soul and to where?

Sometimes, when the lights are out and I've kissed her goodnight and her breathing sinks into circadian rhythms and every noise around the house is amplified, I say a prayer for the ones I love and to be a better person, even though I'm not entirely sure if I'm praying to anyone in particular.

Am I god? Should I be praying to myself? Would I be a better person if I understood that I was the master of my own universe?

This life confounds me at almost every turn (like my golf game) with its random generation of events and outcomes. Nothing's ever the same except in politics and at work; two things that deeply affect my life although I don't want them to.

I feel like the answers are always far away, so close.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Betrayal

What is addiction?

I think addiction is a lack of self-control, except for when the body becomes dependent on a particular substance, then I believe that the addiction has become a dependency.

So let's go with addiction as a complete lack of self-control, or will power or whatever you wish to call it. And let's also say that addiction is closely related to bad habits.

Why do people lose control over themselves?

From my experience, every addiction/bad habit has been acted out because I had not respected and loved who I was. I think people who have bad habits have them because they do not like to deal with who they really are and what is happening around them, which in turn leads to more trouble because underneath this, at the subconscious level, they know that they are being weak and screwing up and hate themselves even more.

"I don't like or am not content with my life/self so I *insert addiction or habit here* to escape for a while and make myself feel better, but only temporarily. And then, after I've indulged, I don't like who I am so much for not dealing with my problems head on, with makes me want to do *bad habit/adiction* even more," says the addicted one.

I've been thinking about this because I'm always trying to get rid of my bad habits and because I heard on the news that a lot of people are addicted to internet pornography. Unlike everything I hear, I actually believe this because I once used to look at that useless and ugly stuff on the web and could see how it could blow up into an adiction if unchecked.

I think the worse part about any addiction is that when you are performing the addicted act, you are cutting yourself off from reality and from your self. This not only betrays the one's that care for you who would like ot share more in your life, but betrays yourself, which is one of the most important aspects of life there is.

The self does not want to say, "I am an addict and I am ashamed of who I am."

The self wants to be able to know that it is capable of handling this life with dignity and respect and love, because all of those things make life worth living.

Monday, February 27, 2006

VALIS

Have you ever wondered why God has not talked to you? Why does he supposedly "talk" to guys with bad hair and bad suits on television, but never to you?

Phillip K. Dick said God spoke to him in a pink laser, which for all intensive purposes fueled his creativity, but also seems to have driven him into a new area of thought. I'm not going to call his condition madness because to be mad you have to compare unusual behavior with the norm, and I don't particularly care for what normal is.

Crazy is not being like everyone else.

Dave Chapelle said to call someone crazy is dismissive. I agree.

Then again, wouldn't you go kind of mad if the unexplainable/infinite/omniscient attempted to communicate with you about the nature of the universe, or even just to say hello, how are you doing today?

According to some religions and belief systems, God is talking to us all of the time; in the way the wind blows, in the flight of a sparrow, etc.

A certain world leader claimed that God told him to invade another country.

Well, isn't that special...

I've never had a theophany, or whatever you want to call it, but I get the distinct feeling that if I did, the Infinite would not tell me to write a check, start a war, or shave my head, neuter myself, and then commit suicide.

Then again, one cannot go against the will of God, can they?

Taking Care of Business

Sorry I left, but I had much to take care of. It seems that I had let the less desireable parts of my life take a hold and run my almost straight into the toilet. I tried a career change, tried my religion back on, and experimented with a different kind of life, trying to be a different person.

I am not the person I tried to be, and once I learned that lesson, the world kind of just opened up for me. Now, instead of a life full of manipulation and being surrounded by people I wouldn't trust to watch my food as I stepped away from it, I can only see endless possibilities of growth, both financially and personally.

Let's get it on.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I'm back.